I thought I’d never embark on another time-consuming charity fundraiser again after Mateo passed. When Mike Blanding and I put together our last pre-COVID fundraiser (in Dec. 2019), I got so busy for two solid months planning it that I had less time than I wanted for our then-five-month-old Mateo. Mateo passed two months after the event. Out of grief, I told myself that I'll never run any fundraiser again! I resented the work. In my heart, "How could this happen to us after we had sacrificed so much of our resources for others?" I was so angry at God. At the same time, I was guilt-stricken. "Why didn't I take full maternity leave (from myself as my boss), so I could be there 'full-time' for Mateo? Why was I so overcome by compassion for others when compassion should first be for my own kids and not others?" I was so angry at myself. Mateo's passing still hasn't completely made sense. And I don't think I'll get the full picture of the purpose of his death during this lifetime. However, God addressed, to some degree, the anger I had toward him and myself. He also resurrected the passion for supporting high-impact non-profit work. This year, I set strict boundaries for myself. A couple of groups and individuals have approached to ask how Giving is Social could help organise fundraisers. I said "no" to many proposals even if I was itching to say "yes!" If my labour for the project would mean stealing time from my family, I said "no." It was tough to say no. Dear friends Pearl Bautista, Sherry Ann Sabado, and their community of friends at Narnia was insistent about raising funds for the International Justice Mission. They have heard of their outstanding work protecting people in poverty from human trafficking, modern-day slavery, and police abuse. I saw their persistence. They committed that they would lead and own the project themselves. I agreed to partner. The event raised $10,500+ for IJM’s work to rescue people from syndicated online scamming and trafficking. I barely sweat for the fundraiser. The Narnia group, led by Sherry Ann, really owned the event, which was refreshing for me. Meanwhile, my own team lead by Maura, took the burden off my shoulder through their marvelous team work. It could be that, through the same loss, God wanted me to ache once again for those who are being treated unjustly —after all, Mateo lived through seven months of our immersion in justice work. Perhaps, God, through “Carol & Cocktails for a Cause” is reminding me that I am not the person to save the world—and it is never going to be anyone’s job. It is a partnership work with God through the bigger community. I’m quite alright about that.
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From Mateo's mommy, Joanna Blanding My dearest Mateo,
It'll be one year soon since you left for heaven. Truth is, it still feels like yesterday when your daddy and I said goodbye to your swollen body at the hospital. Tears soaking your infant clothes that I wish I had taken back home with me. I wish to this day that I had gone to your cremation, to have fetched your urn, to have visited your friends at the ICU who continued fighting for their own lives. But I had no energy left with me those days. I know I should just think of the happy thought that you are playing with the best of friends you could ever have, but it's still a struggle to appreciate heaven when I'm not there with you. You have been such an amazing gift to our family. You are my angel. I miss our cuddles, our dances while you doze off in the carrier, and our many adventures with daddy and André. Your brother is growing up to be such a gentleman. You'll be so proud of him. He asks about you often, and I try my best not to cry whenever I answer his question, "When is Mateo coming back?" And I try not to laugh when he tells strangers "Wash your hands or else you'll die like my brother!" Your daddy remains to be the strongest and kindest person I know. He helps me survive bad days, and cheers me on all the time. I know you rember how funny he is with his jokes and accents. I've changed so much, Mateo, you know. I enjoy now just staying at home for days. I am more careful about keeping everything around daddy, André and myself clean and disinfected. I don't want to have another reason to blame myself if anyone in our family gets sick again. I am still battling with that. I'll soon fully forgive myself. I also have lost a bit of excitement about things that I used to be passionate about. I'm still building back my faith that God loves me even if He took you away from me. I know it's not something to be proud of. But it's also the truth you have to know about mommy--that mommy also gets hurt. Very hurt. I'm still trusting Jesus, who you are now very close to, that He will come to me and give me back my passions. I hope you meet my friends' babies who are also in heaven now. I don't know how it works, but maybe you can tell Jesus to send the babies' mommies lots of hugs and kisses every day. Tell him please to save some for me too. I miss you sooooo much, Mateo. Your laughs, your cries, your silly noises. I will try my best to uphold your legacy of compassion for children who don't have anyone to fight for them. It may still be a long wait for us to see each other again, but I'll wait, my baby. I love you. ❤️ |
#MightyMateo's parents document their journey through grief towards healing.
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