Monday, March 23, 2020
(by Mike Blanding, father of Mateo)
I am not a perfect father. Far from it.
There’s so much that I would have done differently had I known that Mateo would only be with us for seven months. There’s so much that I would have done differently, had I known that March 1st would be my last time carrying my living son. There’s so much that I would have done differently had I known that March 2nd would be the last time I would look into his conscious, open eyes.
But I didn’t know. And I didn’t do anything differently. And now Mateo is gone. And I can’t rewind.
I am not a perfect father. Far from it. But I know someone who is. And He too know what It feels like to lose a son. And in this thought I find so much comfort.
I suppose I could decide that God isn’t real… I could make up in my mind that there is no God.
If God is real, and God is Good, and God is powerful, why does he allow suffering? I don’t know. But deciding that God isn’t real does not take away any of the pain. So I will continue to believe that I have a heavenly father. That he is good, that he is real.
Some lessons that Mateo taught me...
- I learnt the importance of being vulnerable. We did not intend to go through this experience so publicly. I’ve always been a “strive in private. Thrive in public” type of person. Never let me see you sweat. I don’t play games I can’t win. I’ve never liked the idea of vulnerability.
- Hope is a choice. A day by day choice. An hour by hour choice. Sometimes a minute by minute choice. As CHRISTIANS, the hope that we have is one that the world did not give. And one the world cannot take away. Nobody can stop you from hoping. Doctors can tell you that things don’t look hopeful, but only you can decide for yourself whether to have hope. Hope is a choice.
- I learned that I really like the tomato & herb fusilli at coffee bean in KKH.
- I learnt that there is no formula to make God move.
- I learnt that God does not owe me an explanation. While Mateo was in the ICU, I spent the two weeks trying to guess what God was going to do and how he was going to do it. And since Mateo passed away, I’ve spent the last one week trying to make some sense of why God allowed this to happen. And I’ve come to the conclusion that... I don’t know. I will probably never know. And that’s okay. His ways, his plans, his purposes are HIGHER than ours. God doesn’t owe me an explanation.
- I learned that wearing an ICU face mask 24-7 is great, until you eat garlic for lunch....
- I learnt that my level of faith to believe for miracles is correlated directly with my number of hours of sleep.
- I learnt the importance of taking my thoughts captive. The importance of not entertaining condemning thoughts. Thoughts that bring guit and shame. They are not from God.
- I learnt that His mercies really are new every morning. As the lyrics of *Great is Thy Faithfulness* say God gives us “strength for today & bright hope for tomorrow.” Not a drop more. Not an ounce less. ◦ Ask what someone is believing for and agree with that.
- I learnt to look outwardly. My wife was so amazing at this. He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.
- No matter how dark a situation may get. There are always things to be thankful for. Good weather. Kind nurses. Short grab rides. Good food. But most of all, I was thankful for YOU ALL!
- There is power in community. By the second day in the ICU I ran out of prayers to pray, songs to sing, and bible verses to declare. I told God “you already know what I want you to do here. I suppose I could repeat it, but that doesn’t seem like good use of anyone’s time.” So I turned to the steady stream of fresh prayers, new songs, and additional verses that came flooding in from Friends and family all around the world. And As I read them aloud to Mateo, to Joanna and to myself I suddenly had renewed faith to face another day. We read every message, every prayer, every verse, every song lyric. It felt as if we were going to battle Everyday, but we knew that we were not alone. We had an army with us. And somehow our burden felt a bit lighter because we knew that it was being shared. We felt like we had permission to rest because others were restless. We had permission to sleep because others were sleepless. We could experience a time of peace, because others were in a time of war.
- And through it all. I learnt that God is good. And that God is faithful. It’s his nature. Even when I don’t understand why he does what he does, why he allows what he allows, that doesn’t change who he is.
The #MightyMateo Legacy lives on.
Our little Mateo was highly involved in our efforts to fight online sex trafficking of children in the Philippines during his seven months of life. We believe that he'd love for us to continue this legacy.
#MightyMateo's parents document their journey through grief towards healing.
